Beating The Blues...

Since I have been struck by a very severe bout of Blues for quite some time, I thought why not turn it into a post. (A question to fellow bloggers: Is it just me or do you look for material in everything since you started blogging?)

Fortunately/Unfortunately the weather is just adding to my current mood. It's dull and cloudy and starts raining just when I am about to leave for office. The budget promises no miracles (at least for me). There may be no increments this year. Rakhi Sawant is back on T.V. as a coy, blushing bride-to-be (I am absolutely ashamed to admit that I watched 1-2 episodes of the show, but I have sworn not watch any more!). Ok, so I admit that the above reasons have got nothing to do with my mood. But they will have to do for this post.

I don't know about everyone but I follow a pattern when I am down in the dumps. And I also have a dos/don'ts list to last me through these troubled times.

• Throw out the sad songs of Kishore Kumar

All you Kishore Kumar fans, before you get ready to lynch me, hear me out. I have never understood the logic of listening to sad songs when you are already in a sad mood. If nothing, these songs just make me cry. So, I scroll through my play-list in search of all the item numbers and disco songs. One of my favourites is this one: "Mummy ko nahi hai pata" A friend and I used to play this song when we had to work on Saturday or when we were in a grouchy mood, and laugh at the ridiculous lyrics of this song.

• Stay away from tear-jerkers

Same logic as with the above point. Sci-fi/horror/comedy, anything will work. So I ended up watching The Dark Knight (Is it too late to marvel at the Joker's performance?), Shawshank Redemption (Almost everyone I know keeps on going on and on about this movie), The Others (Only the twist was good, the whole movie was a bore), Chandni Chowk To China (But only for 5 minutes,Akki's movies are becoming more and more senseless)

• Stock up on Moov/Iodex

They really come in handy after every inch of my body starts aching because of too much exercise. I love walking and used to go for a walk whenever I had too much on my mind. But ever since moving to Mumbai, walks are restricted to the treadmill. So, I am always saying to myself "2 more minutes","5 more crunches","2 more laps" till I am about to pass out.

• Shake a leg

Well dancing does help. But for me shaking a leg is more of restless fidgeting. Even on normal days, I tend to fidget a lot, but on the days I am bluesy, it becomes more pronounced. So, I will never need to buy the
morning walker!!! That's good, isn't it?

• Go on a binge

Which can be smoking/drinking/eating. The first two options don't count in my case. And as far as eating is concerned, I tend to go the opposite way. If only I had a tendency to binge, I would have crossed the 50kg mark long back. But unfortunately/fortunately, I had to eat my way through for so many years to cross that mark.

P.S. The list is not complete. That's deliberate coz I wanna hear from you what you do when you are down. Oh and please write about doable stuff.Don't write about stuff like; Go on a trip to Himalayas, or something like
that.

Because The Stars Told Me So...

Why O why did I read Linda Goodman when I was a teenager? I was born on Mar 21, which makes me a Pisces/Aries Cusp or "Parisces" (Wanna check if you were born on the Cusp_Signs). I could have turned out to be a normal Piscean (normal as compared to Aries). But no, I had to go and read Linda Goodman and was horrified to find out that I was doomed to be irritable, quick tempered, restless, sometimes intolerant and contentious. I am going to stop adding more to this list; I am pretty sure if you have ever dealt with an Arian, you will have lots and lots and lots of not-so-flattering adjectives to add :-).

Jokes apart, I don't really bother with horoscope/star signs everyday, nor do I walk around with umpteen gemstone rings and lockets; hoping that it will change me for the better. But I have observed many a times, that even though I don't really believe in astrology, I tend to read my horoscope more carefully when I am facing rough times. Sometimes, I even go and read horoscope of other star signs to try and find out if they might be in a better mood today or if it's a good time to resolve issues. I know it's idiotic, but I don't generally go to others with my problems. So, I have to resort to means, however illogical, to calm myself down. As long as I am not taking the extreme route and resorting to sacrifices and other mumbo-jumbo, I think I am OK. A leetle bit of cuckooness never hurt anyone!

All said and done, if I believe that all the negative traits of my star sign are true, then hope is not lost coz there are some positive traits in there too. In the past, I have got away by saying "That's the way I am, I can't help it!". Now I know, there is nothing that cannot be changed about oneself, all you need is the realization that there is something that needs mending plus the will to mend things. Uff, so now, I have 26 years of damage to repair.

P.S. I really shouldn't blame reading Linda Goodman early on for the way I am now. Guess you can't escape what the stars foretell. How else can you explain my Sr. Kg. teacher's comments on my report card stating "She should not bully others"? I am pretty sure that I had no idea about star signs at that age, so I couldn't have faked Arian characteristics :-).

What Do You Get When You Put Two Girls In A Room?

Contrary to what the title of this post suggests, this is not going to be a kinky post. So, if you wandered to this post, after reading the title,sorry to disappoint you.

Once upon a time, there were two female roomies....And they lived happily ever after.

Ever wondered why no one has ever heard of this story? One always hears that two females can't live together without murdering each other after a while. Although I think it's a tad bit exaggerated, it is true to some extent.

It's not that we live in a war zone. If you happen to drop in unannounced, you'll be able to hear scrambling going on the other rooms to hide underthings and other objectionable items. This is also accompanied by sounds of frantic attempts to dress appropriately, washing off the henna/egg/curd from the hair, scrubbing off face-pack. It's a myth that only guys live like pigs and a flat inhabited by females will always be all clean and pink and smelling like perfume. If it not were for the maid who cleaned our flats there would be unwashed dishes and laundry, hair here there everywhere. But God forbid, if two roomies fall for the same guy. Then all hell breaks loose. And like any war, there are innocent people who are affected;the other roomies.

All said and done, if you are lucky enough to live with like-minded females, life is all fun. Where else will you find companions for umpteen shopping trips, endless gossip/bitching sessions about movies, fashion, guys, work, family, etc etc. It makes a lot of difference between being able to enjoy living apart from family and wanting to run back home.

P.S:
And then there are female roomies who lived happily ever-after
Ever-after meaning
A. Till the end of the lease
B. Until they have a fallout
C. Forever...if they fall in love

Wanted

JOB TITLE: God

SUMMARY

Responsible for all activities on Earth. Provide advice, assistance and follow-up on policies, procedures. Coordinate the resolution of specific policy-related and procedural problems and prayers.

PRIMARY RESPONSIBILITIES

• Responsible for all human/non-human resource activities to include birth, happiness, suffering, death of all species.

• Develop and maintain relationship with all incarnations and forms of self.

• Prepare and maintain historical data of activities performed by all species on earth.
  

• Analyze data and provide recommendations on allowing access to heaven or condemn to hell.

• Other duties as assigned.

KNOWLEDGE AND SKILL REQUIREMENTS

• Behavioral Attributes: omniscience, omnipotence, omnipresence, perfect goodness, divine simplicity, and eternal and necessary existence

• Strong interpersonal and communication skills.

• Knowledge of multiple human/non-human resource disciplines.

• Visibility requires maintaining a professional, calm and soothing appearance and providing a positive image to the public.

WORKING CONDITIONS

• Working conditions are extreme. Work may require evening and weekend work from the date of joining to eternity.

P.S: What made God accept this job??

Forgive me God, if this post is blasphemous. I hope that You have a sense of humor. Or at least are forgiving enough to ignore my extremely bad sense of humor.

Answer Me This...

Why did Superman, Batman wear their briefs on the outside of their tights?
Do vampires get AIDS?
If women ran the Pentagon, would missiles and submarines be shaped differently?

Why is it that everyone driving faster than you is considered an idiot and everyone driving slower than you is a moron?
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

These are just few of life's unanswered questions. They may leave you searching for an answer, but you can get away with any kind of reply.And they are better than some of these questions:


Do you know who I am?
I have a very bad memory for faces. I would remember a Brad Pitt or a Hrithik Roshan, but normal people look...well normal. It's quite embarrassing when some of my relatives ask me this question. And when I sheepishly say that I don't remember them, they start by describing our entire family tree which makes me even more flustered.

How would you describe yourself?
This is quite a tricky interview question. If I spoke the truth, the interviewer would think that I am seriously deranged. So, I have to stick to standard responses. And although I know that this question will inevitably be asked in all the interviews, I hate to prepare for it. I belong to the breed of people who would rather not talk about themselves. I can write an essay on myself and my life because at least the reader has the option of not reading it. But I would rather not bore people by my self-obsessed ravings.

When are you getting married?
When you reach a certain age (The age limit varies, if you are in a small town the countdown starts at 18. If you live in a cosmopolitan city and the people around you are open-minded then the age would be probably late twenties.) and are still single, you get this question from a lot of people. Good friends, concerned relatives, nosy neighbours; everybody wants to know the answer. I can only say that if I knew when I was getting married, I would have already changed my status on Orkut and sent them my wedding card. The next time someone asks me this, I will tell them that I am thinking of becoming a lesbian and since same-gender marriage is not allowed in India, I am never going to get married.

When are you going onsite?
If you are in IT, and still in India after 2-3 years of job experience, people automatically start assuming something is wrong with you. Its the equivalent of a guy being in his mid to late twenties and never been involved with any female, then people start assuming that he is gay. The money is definitely good at onsite, and I should have been the first one to queue up for visa coz I am such a big miser (You know the joke about the guy with the Rolex who had his arm cut off and was worrying about his Rolex, I am that kind). But I know that I would end up getting depressed if I have to live alone; and if I am not happy what good is money going to be?

S For Sun, S For Sugar, S For Snake

Anything but S for sex. Because we are Indians, we don't have sex. Foreign forces are to be blamed for the rising population of our country. The stork delivers our kids. Wondering how the stork got the baby? Did it mutate and give birth to a human child? Did it kidnap the baby? Did it find the girl child abandoned in some street, took pity on it and decided to give it to a loving and sensible couple?

But the truth is something else. If anyone has read the personal columns of certain newspapers, then they won't be able to say this with a straight face. Majority of the questions in there are about dimensions or technique or the "forgive me for I have sinned" kinds. It's quite funny at times and sometimes quite shocking. Sometime back a reader posted this query:" Does dandruff cause AIDS?" Wow, and still we oppose sex-education in schools hoping that if we shut our eye to this menace it will simply go away.

Even the classifieds are full of ads advertising massages and escorts [Now you must be wondering what kind of newspapers I read, then I must clarify that we get perfectly respectable newspapers at home. I do not go scouting in dingy streets wearing a disguise in search of these papers :-)]. Some of these ads may be genuine, but you can make out the creepy ones with the pictures of females.

Oh well, none of my business. Actually, I started this post because of some ads which confused me. What exactly is the product here? Is chocolate being used to sell sex? Or sex being used to sell chocolate? Hmmm anyways, I hope that these products were reviewed stringently to check that the rules for hygiene were not being flouted during manufacture.

Mind Your Ps And Qs

I swear I have never heard so many thank-yous, welcome and sorry in my entire life than in the last few months! I am thinking of writing a program which will automatically print out thanks at the end of every sentence in email/chat, or welcome/no problem when someone else types thanks. Just as there are smiley buttons, there should also be thanks, welcome and sorry buttons in chat applications.

It's not that I am a fan of the "No sorry, no thanks in friendship/love" rule. I think that works only in the initial honeymoon period. I have realized that it is as important to be civil to your friends and family as it is with strangers. Too many times I have given excuses for my bad behavior as a personality trait. And too many times I have excused others' bad behavior also for the same reason.

I am a firm believer of not using too many thank-yous, welcome and sorry in my day-to-day routine. I don't understand the logic behind saying these words after every sentence. I would rather not create situations where I end up having to say sorry. Or have to say thank you for small things when I don't mean it. And I would rather that people don't say sorry unless they mean it. Coz, if you hurt me and say sorry later on, I will probably forgive you the first few times. But if you hurt me again and again, then I will just interpret your sorry as "Sorry, I am going to hurt you the next time also." Politeness is a virtue which works best when it is combined with honesty; otherwise it becomes just a formality. Like having to get up and say good-morning when the teacher comes in class. Or having a "Thanks and Regards" or "Sincerely Yours" in one's signature.

But as they say; When in Rome, do as the Romans do. So, I am going to limit my personal opinion to this blog and join the Romans. But, if I have to fake it, then I might as well go the whole hog! I am thinking of sending an email at the end of day which goes like this (Think of all the rest my fingers will get from typing the same words over and over again throughout the day!)

"{Name},
               Thanks for all the help, support that you extended today. Welcome, if I have been of any help to you. Sorry, if I caused any inconvenience or hurt you in any way.

Regards,
Sheba"

You Know You Are In Love When...

You long for the day when you will be together...
Your pine for it every single day and hope that someday you will be together.

When there are more and more photos of both of you together...
Did you take pictures the first time you saw it? And click more pictures of both of you after you bought it?

You can't wait to see it again...
Ever felt that the day was dragging and you just wanted to go home and be with it? Did you ever have one of those days when you were not able to concentrate on anything and your mind was somewhere else?

You have a hard time saying "goodbye"...
Ever felt like you are getting addicted to it? Do you have to keep on telling yourself "5 more minutes and then I will stop"?

You don't want to share it with anyone else in the world...
Do you feel extremely possessive about it? Do you feel jealous when someone else looks at it or touches it? Do you feel special because you have it and other people don't?

When you are sitting silent in front of it not because you have nothing to say but because there is no need for words...
You never realize how time flies when you are together. You can sit for hours staring at each other!

Well, if these are the signs of love then probably I am in love with my T.V. and laptop. Now, if only I could transform my T.V./laptop into a tall, handsome, smart, funny, understanding guy at the click of a remote-button/mouse click.

If while reading this post, you were reminded of something (please note, I said something and not someone), then yes you are in love too!

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Next Is What?

Faster than a speeding bullet (Thanks to hours of exercising in the gym)

More powerful than a locomotive (Able to withstand the pain of waxing his chest and tweezing his eyebrows)

Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound! (Hmm, this bit he cannot do,he still has to walk or take the lift!)

Look up! It's a bird. It's a plane. It's Metrosexual Man!

He's not just on T.V. now! He's on the street with gelled hair and sunglasses. He is in your office wearing a pink shirt (It's so hard to find good colours like lilac, pink for females! All the colours I like are there in the menswear section now!). He's in your salon in the chair next to you getting a facial or his hair straightened or his hands manicured. He's in your living-room watching a chick-flick, in your kitchen helping with the cooking.

I think guys always had these traits but did not express it. Whatever it is, this new metrosexual side is quite a change from the "Me no cook, Me no shop, Me the He-man" kind of mentality. So ladies, if you see your guy fussing about his hair/weight, sharing your night-cream, under-eye gel, face-scrub, face-mask, undergarment, skirt...relax, he is just showing his metro sexual side. Oh, but if the last bit is true, you may want to keep an eye on him.

Five People You Meet In IT

At first I thought I should write my own version of Five People You Meet in Heaven. But I am 99.95% certain that I am not going to heaven. Then I thought I should change it to Five People You Meet in Hell. But I don't want to meet any of my friends and family in Hell. And I most definitely do not want to meet certain other people down there (I am not saying that I don't want them to be in Hell. I just want them to be in a separate section, far away from me). Plus why waste breath writing about people who bug you.So, I am writing about IT. Although the people I have met can be found in any other industry too.

The Whiner

Nothing is good enough for him. If he is in support project, then he wants to be in development. But if he is put into a development project, then he will crib about the long hours. Everyone is out to get him, his team-mates, his project leader, his manager. I agree that everyone cribs at some point or the other, but if someone has nothing else to do but crib, then there is something seriously wrong. One year in IT is enough to know that most of the times the work is menial. Copy-pasting code, preparing umpteen documents, sending status reports(this is somewhat tricky coz you need to find stuff to show for the time you were in the canteen or checking your stock's performance on sharekhan or moneycontrol) does not require a very high IQ.The project leader/manager is a b*****d (they have to, otherwise its hard to get things done from unmotivated, unhappy people).So, either you should quit IT or shut-up and adapt.

The Midnight-Oil Burner

These people take great pride in staying in office till the last cab is ready to go. And they make sure that they can let other people know about this at the slightest chance. Maybe you have heard this (If not you will have to imagine the tone: Long sigh + pride + condescension)

'Oh I missed dinner.'

'I was in office till 12.'

'It's been a long time since I have seen the sunset.'

'I can never leave at 6.'

'I was in office on the weekend'

Sadly, lots of people do get impressed by this. But what they do not understand, that only very few people have to stay back because of the work load. Free internet, photocopying, scanning, dinner in the canteen or just doing tp with friends in office may be some of the reasons for people to stay back. More often than not, it's because the person isn't strong technology wise, or his analytical skills aren't too good.

The WonderBoy/WonderGirl

Assign them a task and it's like they take put on their cape and underwear and transform into superheroes. And the reason that you don't see the cape or the underwear is becoz it's invisible. And it is visible only to others like them. Their superpowers? Excellent communication skills, sound technical skills, team player, proactive, strong domain knowledge, management skills etc etc (Just copied that from one superhero's last appraisal)

The Idiot In The Next Cubicle

This is the guy who is in IT by fluke. He didn't have any good job offers in college and accepted a job in IT as a stop-gap solution. He will probably goof around in office till he gets through CAT or GRE. Then there are others who belong to this breed ;whose ultimate aim is not MBA or MS; but who just don't believe in working. Ever had to stay back in office because someone else goofed up and didn't finish their task? That's the idiot I am talking about (Though probably everyone is an idiot at some point or the other).

The Boss From Hell

There is nothing worse than being stuck with a team-lead/project manager who doesn't appreciate you. Even worse is the boss who pretends to be listening to you and then retracts whatever he has promised you. This is the guy who keeps a tab on how long your coffee breaks are, catches you in the restroom/canteen and asks about the status of your pending tasks, nods disapprovingly when he sees you talking on the phone, whose face bobs up and down from his monitor every time you get up to take a leak.

I know it's quite wrong to categorize people like this. But there is no malice intended behind it. I have met some good people too. And I am sure that you have too. Remember the team-lead who faced the music when you screwed up the code in UAT/Production. The colleague who stayed back for moral support when you were rushing to meet the deadlines. The client/manager who sends in an appreciation mail once in a while to boost your morale (it's a different issue that you were expecting a promotion or onsite opportunity rather than just nice words).

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Quit

Cigarette smoking is injurious to health!
Smoking kills!
Don't drink and drive!

Are the above messages writing in some gibberish language? I can understand them perfectly well. And I suppose one doesn't need to have a high IQ to understand it. I am not going to act like Ramadoss and constantly hound Shahrukh about his smoking. If Shahrukh wants to smoke his way to death, more power to him. I don't really care about thousands of people suffering from cancer or cirrhosis. But when I see some of my near and dear ones smoking/drinking, it bothers me a little.

I really can't understand some of the arguments that people put forward.
1) It relieves stress

Really??? For how long, till the time of the hangover or the next smoking session? And is it worth all the trouble that comes later on? Isn’t that going to be more stressful?

2) I do it coz all my friends do it. It's cool.

This is probably the stupidest excuse. I thought peer pressure was supposed to end after teenage years. I would rather drink a mocktail, at least it tastes good. I used to take a bottle of bournvita to office and drink it. Who cares if people make fun! Seeing people swaying after drinking too much, stinking like hell is definitely not cool. Why is alcohol needed to have a good time? Isn't the company of friends and family enough for that?

3) It gives me a kick

Well if kick is what you want, I would be most happy to give you a kick in the rear. It's been a reaaaaaaallllllllly long time since I have hit anyone and I am just itching to do so.

We have some mini bottles of liquor at home which my dad got on his travels abroad. And long time back, I opened a bottle of vodka with every intention of drinking it. Not because I wanted to be cool or anything. But I really wanted to know what the whole fuss about alcohol is. One whiff from the bottle was enough to put me off. If the smell is this bad, I can just imagine how bad the taste would be. Some time later, I gathered up enough courage and had some sips of dessert wine. It tasted like Glycodin.No, I think Glycodin tastes better than wine.

Smoking, that I am never gonna try. I don't really need to experiment with that to know if it's good or bad. Thanks to the smokers around me, I must have already inhaled significant amount of smoke. People, if you want to smoke, please go to some secluded place. And when you come back don't just chew on some gum or mints. But also spray some deodorant on your clothes. Coz u stink so bad!!

I thought of putting up some pictures of people with cancer caused due to smoking and suffering alcoholics. But I know, it's not going to bother the people who do smoke/drink. It's just going to upset me every time I visit this page.