Age Is Just A Number...

The problem is deciding which number others want you to be and the number you want to choose!!!

Just when I was getting used to being 26, that time of the year had come again. I have never felt the urge to grow up faster or the desire to go back in time. I am too busy living in the present to think about the future or to reminisce about the past. Too excited about the silly stuff linked to birthdays to worry about anything serious. And except for that one moment of depression that I suffer from; the rest of day I am pretty much happy. All because I have this silly superstition that the kind of things I do on my birthday will determine how the next year is gonna be. So, I try my best to be on my best behaviour; trying not to lie, not to pick fights with anyone, not get angry, be impatient, etc etc. Whew, it's exhausting being so goodie-goodie!!! Well, I survived the day with very little damage and a lot of fun!

Grey hair and wrinkles, I can handle with ease. Coz whenever they do appear, I will be frantically shopping for hair-dyes and a good cosmetologist. The difficult part is to handle the responsibilities. And this when I haven't even started shouldering any major responsibilities. Am still going with the flow, wanting all the fun and no worries. Delaying major decisions because it's such a pain in the you-know-where!

Have noticed though that the list of things that I could get away with a tilt of the head and an ever-ready excuse "Oh, but I don't know how to do it!" seems to be dwindling. Not that I miss being dependent on others, but the tilt and the excuse have come in handy when I wanted to shirk work. And I am not planning to let go of them anytime soon. Ahh but the harsh truth is, the things that a teen can get away with don’t really suit a woman of 27. (Note to self : Maybe I should just save the tilt for special occasions from now on.)

Do I feel older, wiser, mature, calmer? Well, on some days yes, and on some days no. And age has got nothing to do with it. That's why they say that Age is just a number. And I choose to be 27 today, maybe tomorrow I will feel like being 30, or 20 the day after that...

On A Break...

So here I am, on my weekly jaunt. As I sit back daydreaming in an absentminded haze, I realize that this is one of those few times that I am not trying to catch up with Time. The past few weeks have been just crazy and i have very little recollection of what I have been doing. Except that I know that I am happy. Tired, a little sleep-deprived, cranky (especially when I am hungry), homesick, missing my family, a little irritated/confused by a certain someone; but still happy.

Has there ever been a time, when everyone around you was egging you to do a particular thing? Something that even you know you had to do, but just weren't ready for it. That's what I had been doing until last year, making excuses to everyone. Then I read ten pages of The Secret and that set me thinking.

All my life I have always (well most of the time) got what I wanted. In hindsight I can safely say that the things that I lost out on were because in my heart I didn't want them. What was I talking about? Oh yes, The Secret. Well, I can't tell you what the secret is because i still haven't got around to finishing the book. But what the gist of the whole book is that if you want something truly enough, then the whole universe endeavours to get it for you (I think this sounds like SRK's dialogue from OSO, eeks I am quoting SRK!!! On second thoughts it also sounds like something from Alchemist). Isn't that the other way around, when you want something truly in your heart, you don't wait for the universe to give it you. You make sure you leave no leaf unturned in order to get that thing. If this Law of Attraction really does exist, the tricky part is to align your desires with that of everyone else.

To cut a long story short, here I am in Uncle Sam's land trying to sort out one part of my life and not worrying about what to do next. I know I will get to the worrying part soon, because there are still a lot of questions from friends, family and myself that I have to answer.

PS. Are you still reading this? Shoo dear reader, go away. This post was not meant for you. It's one of those Dear diary kind of posts which doesn't really mean anything. Just something that I wanted to get out of my head....

Five Lesser Known Things About Me...

I have been tagged by Amrit to write about five lesser known things about me. For a while I wondered whether I should disclose my neurosis to the world, but then I figured very few of my friends read my blog, my family is unaware that I write, so it doesn't matter.

1. I have a slight, very very very slight strain of OCD. It's not like "I have to wash my hands 10 times a day or I'll die" kinds. But sometimes I keep on checking and double-checking and triple checking things that I have already done; like checking if I have closed the door, paid the bills, check the code/docs that I have prepared in office for errors, wondering about the above things while I am driving to home/office. I have never told this to anyone and even made fun of a friend who thinks she has OCD, mainly because I have a feeling that it started because I read up on OCD. And secondly because I know in my case it's not that much of a problem.

2. I show my mean side only to the people who are closest to me. Very few people know about this, because there are only few people that I am close to. I don't think it stems from wanting people to like me, coz I never really wanted to be Ms. Popular. But that has become second nature to me now, I am polite to strangers/colleagues/casual friends; polite and impersonal, not letting anyone get too close to me.

3. I used to think I was a cleanoholic. I liked things spic and span and in their proper places. I didn't even like untidy people with shaggy hair, baggy clothes. But when I had to do the cleaning myself, I let go. It's just too much hard work! Now, I have compromised by keeping one side of my bed cluttered and the other side all neat and proper; by clearing up the clutter from my desktop and mailboxes. I go on cleaning sprees every weekend and organize everything and forget about it for the next couple of days.

4. I hate asking people for help or telling anyone my problems. There were times when my 2-wheeler broke down/ran out of petrol, but I would drag it alone, not asking for help and giving dirty looks to those few who did stop to offer help. I don't think I can pull off the damsel in distress look. I have listened to the problems of many of my friends (sometimes sympathetically, sometimes faking it), but I rarely talk about my problems with others.

5. I like to watch little kids walking, as they hold someone else's hand and their little feet try to keep up. It always brings a smile to my face. I don't go "Oh how cute" and rush to hold kids. I prefer to watch them from afar and smile at their antics.

I am not going to tag anyone, but if you are reading this post and feel like doing this tag, do let me know. And when you are commenting on this write, do write at least one lesser known thing about yourself.

The Ghosts Of New Year Past, Present And Future

(Warning: This is going to be a very cryptic Dear Diary kind of post...so you might wanna skip it. And my sincere apologies to Dickens who must be rolling in his grave coz of this post inspired by Christmas Carol. Mr. Dickens, please believe me when I say that "Imitation is the greatest form of flattery".)


The Ghost Of New Year Past

He doesn't always visit me at the end of the year. He turns up whenever he wants to torment me with haunting and scary images from the past. From time to time, he makes sure to remind me of the mistakes from the year gone by. I should hate him the most for tormenting me like this. But I know he keeps me from repeating the same mistakes again, so I try not to mind. Though sometimes I wish that he would not drag up the same things, that he would stop when I have realized my fault and let me be.


The Ghost Of New Year Present

This year the spirit seems to be more or less happy with me. Even though I had made no promises to him or to myself, I know he won't haunt me this time. He has a slight frown on his face though, as if to say that he is not happy with what I have done this year; that I could have done more. But I hope he understands that I have made an attempt to change things. He shakes his head as if to say that I am starting to lag behind, I tell him I am happy with my pace; that I will surely reach there (Where is 'there'?, you might ask..I am still trying to figure that out!). He groans and tells me that I am just using peace of mind as an excuse not to move forward, I respond that he would never be able to understand how much I craved peace; and that now I am ready for whatever life throws at me. He warns me not to isolate myself again, I assure him that even though I am tempted to, I will try not to do that.


The Ghost Of New Year Future

I have never been able to determine how he looks like or what he wants from me. He is the least corporeal of all the three spirits. He is engulfed in a fog and as I try to get closer, he moves further and further away. Sometimes, I give up trying to reach him, and at other times I am not able to resist myself. I keep on wondering what he looks like; does he look happy, contented, sad, frightening, disappointed or frustrated? But he always manages to evade my attempts to catch him. I think he wants me to be more patient, so I will just let it be...at least for now.

P.S.: I can't believe how fast the year has gone by!! Mr. Einstein, your theory of relativity doesn't seem to work in my case. Even when I am deliriously happy or down in the dumps, time still flies by at an alarmingly rapid pace!!!

I Am 16, Going On ...

16...that I am definitely not anymore. In fact, almost a decade has passed since then. And anyways, I feel that it is just a hyped-up number.Wonder why other birthdays don't get this kind of attention. No wait, there's 13 when The Wonder Years begin (also known as The Torturous Years for the parents). 18, the legal adult age or for some an age when they can officially bring out the whisky bottles from their hidey-holes. And for guys at 21; if they haven't managed to get a girlfriend after school or college, they can get a girlfriend for life through their parents.

That's it. After that, every birthday becomes a reminder that you are nearing the dreaded age, the thirties!! As far as I am concerned, I have never bothered to hide my age. Last year, I couldn't remember my age at times, and thought that I had already turned 25. So this year, when I finally did cross 25, it was no big deal. Except for that one moment, where I freaked out, and tried to think of all that I have accomplished (the list was too small) , mentally compiled a list of my bloopers (sadly it was too long) and checked my head to reassure myself that I don't need to color my hair yet (Yeaaaahh!!.....touchwood). But later, better sense prevailed, and I reminded myself that I have so much to look forward to. Things are just getting started.

But there were some subtle and some not so subtle ways where other people reminded me of my age. The jokes about looking old were the most mundane. But this one took the cake, my voice sounded old! Now, I am pretty sure that I have not started rasping or wheezing. I didn't bother telling that person, that the male voice breaks after puberty. Does it mean that we should call 16 year olds uncles just because their voice has started sounding like their dad?? And then there are those friends who take great pride in having studied in the same class with me in school or college in spite of being born a year later. Like the timing of their conception and birth is some kind of achievement!!

I have a habit of tuning out comments (be it good or bad), it turns out to be a boon in situations like these. But it is quite hard not to snigger. Have I passed any such comment? Sure I have (I never said I was a saint). But not out of malice or with the intention of one-upping anyone. I wonder how I would feel about this five years from now. Would I still be able to brush it off as lightly as I do today? For now, I am just going to have my cake and eat it too!!

Dear Diary

It’s been a while since I picked up a pen and jotted down my thoughts. Having sat and stared at a computer screen for almost three years, I feel like I have forgotten how to wield a pen. And on the rare occasions that I do pick up a pen, my writing turns out to be sooo bad that I dropped the idea of starting a diary. (I think I must have been a doctor in my last birth and must have written hundreds of illegible prescriptions) So here I am, writing my first blog. It’s a bit difficult to gather my thoughts since my mind is soo cluttered nowadays. And since I can't put this blog under lock and key, I can't even pen down my innermost thoughts. So, it’s a toss between writing about the weather or choosing harmless topics which don't give away too much about myself.

Disclaimer: I write for myself, not for bouquets or brickbats. Neither do I pretend to be a pseudointellectual.And this blog is certainly not an invitation to all the wannabe quacks to analyze me or my writings.