Age Is Just A Number...

The problem is deciding which number others want you to be and the number you want to choose!!!

Just when I was getting used to being 26, that time of the year had come again. I have never felt the urge to grow up faster or the desire to go back in time. I am too busy living in the present to think about the future or to reminisce about the past. Too excited about the silly stuff linked to birthdays to worry about anything serious. And except for that one moment of depression that I suffer from; the rest of day I am pretty much happy. All because I have this silly superstition that the kind of things I do on my birthday will determine how the next year is gonna be. So, I try my best to be on my best behaviour; trying not to lie, not to pick fights with anyone, not get angry, be impatient, etc etc. Whew, it's exhausting being so goodie-goodie!!! Well, I survived the day with very little damage and a lot of fun!

Grey hair and wrinkles, I can handle with ease. Coz whenever they do appear, I will be frantically shopping for hair-dyes and a good cosmetologist. The difficult part is to handle the responsibilities. And this when I haven't even started shouldering any major responsibilities. Am still going with the flow, wanting all the fun and no worries. Delaying major decisions because it's such a pain in the you-know-where!

Have noticed though that the list of things that I could get away with a tilt of the head and an ever-ready excuse "Oh, but I don't know how to do it!" seems to be dwindling. Not that I miss being dependent on others, but the tilt and the excuse have come in handy when I wanted to shirk work. And I am not planning to let go of them anytime soon. Ahh but the harsh truth is, the things that a teen can get away with don’t really suit a woman of 27. (Note to self : Maybe I should just save the tilt for special occasions from now on.)

Do I feel older, wiser, mature, calmer? Well, on some days yes, and on some days no. And age has got nothing to do with it. That's why they say that Age is just a number. And I choose to be 27 today, maybe tomorrow I will feel like being 30, or 20 the day after that...

On A Break...

So here I am, on my weekly jaunt. As I sit back daydreaming in an absentminded haze, I realize that this is one of those few times that I am not trying to catch up with Time. The past few weeks have been just crazy and i have very little recollection of what I have been doing. Except that I know that I am happy. Tired, a little sleep-deprived, cranky (especially when I am hungry), homesick, missing my family, a little irritated/confused by a certain someone; but still happy.

Has there ever been a time, when everyone around you was egging you to do a particular thing? Something that even you know you had to do, but just weren't ready for it. That's what I had been doing until last year, making excuses to everyone. Then I read ten pages of The Secret and that set me thinking.

All my life I have always (well most of the time) got what I wanted. In hindsight I can safely say that the things that I lost out on were because in my heart I didn't want them. What was I talking about? Oh yes, The Secret. Well, I can't tell you what the secret is because i still haven't got around to finishing the book. But what the gist of the whole book is that if you want something truly enough, then the whole universe endeavours to get it for you (I think this sounds like SRK's dialogue from OSO, eeks I am quoting SRK!!! On second thoughts it also sounds like something from Alchemist). Isn't that the other way around, when you want something truly in your heart, you don't wait for the universe to give it you. You make sure you leave no leaf unturned in order to get that thing. If this Law of Attraction really does exist, the tricky part is to align your desires with that of everyone else.

To cut a long story short, here I am in Uncle Sam's land trying to sort out one part of my life and not worrying about what to do next. I know I will get to the worrying part soon, because there are still a lot of questions from friends, family and myself that I have to answer.

PS. Are you still reading this? Shoo dear reader, go away. This post was not meant for you. It's one of those Dear diary kind of posts which doesn't really mean anything. Just something that I wanted to get out of my head....

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall...

I have looked in the mirror many a times; and looking at my reflection counted all my flaws, but strangely the scar on my nose has never been one of them. Does the mirror show us only those things that we want to see? This article in today's paper set me thinking. The so-called victim looked fine to begin with, but the desire for more led to the situation that she's in currently.

"Beauty is only skin deep"
"Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder"

Say what you may, but the truth is a person's appearance is the first thing which gets judged at. The judging happens more in the case of women; who are constantly being judged by men and other women. And ample proof of it can be found in the "Wanted Brides" ads in newspapers/matrimonial sites, or in the ads for fairness creams. Probably the reason why women rate looks as the secondary criteria for men is because every woman knows that she is anyways going to change a lot of things in the guy that she chooses to be with.

To quote Uncle Ben, "With great power comes great responsibility"; but with even a moderate amount of beauty comes a whole bunch of expectations. Expectations to be funny, witty, charming, nice, intelligent (I have my doubts about this one). Ever been on a date with a good-looking person, which you built up so much in your head and which ended up flat and boring, because the date didn't match your expectations? If you have, then you'll know what I am talking about.

Whatever it is, I doubt there would be anyone who would be willing to trade in their looks. So, the ads are not going to change, the countless beauty products are not going to vanish from the aisles in supermarkets. We'll just have to learn not to take beauty so seriously, to walk past the beauty products with our hands firmly on the trolley or inside our pockets, to glimpse at the reflection in the mirror and try to see past our own expectations. Or if you have the moolah, you can get everything fixed from a big nose to a crooked smile, from a no-show bum to a sagging tummy.

Lend Me A Prayer...

Wish I could say that this post ends with me having a change of heart and embarking on the path of godliness. But years of disbelief/skepticism in any kind of religious practice don't go away in just an instant. I always say that I believe in God but not in religion. Maybe, because when religion comes into the picture, people tend to forget God, and then religion becomes of prime importance.

A few days back, I visited Haji Ali and Mount Mary Church. This was a very unusual trip for me, because I cannot recall the last time I had set foot in any religious place. As far as I can remember, I have never been to any mosque; I have probably visited more temples/churches. So, I set forth with an open mind, not knowing what to expect.

The first thing that struck on my way to the Haji Ali Dargah was the crowd. As I walked past the hawkers selling brocade sheets to lay upon the tomb, I passed old, young, infants, beggars and even a goat or two. The mosque stands about 500 yards into the waters of the Arabian Sea and the walk leading up to the mosque was simply splendid. Inside the mosque was a different story altogether, jostling my way through a crowd of devotees, trying not to crush a poor infant cradled in his mother's arms and worrying about my wallet/cellphone getting stolen, did in no way make me feel closer to God. Moreover, women were not allowed to touch the tomb, and I didn't feel that having the caretaker swing his peacock feathered broom over me would bring out any devotion in me. In the end, I came out after going halfway into the shrine.

In contrast, the visit to Mount Mary Church fared a little better. It was a lot more peaceful. If I had known how to pray, I would have certainly done so. But I couldn't decide which of my problems needed divine intervention and which needed my own intervention! All I asked for was to let me be strong enough to deal with whatever life throws me my way; be it happiness or sorrow.

As I left the church, I could understand a little bit as to why anyone would want to blindly believe in God, or why anyone would want to stick to prayers/religion as a means to feel closer to God. And as I said at the beginning of this post, this trip didn't bring about any enlightenment in me, but neither did it do any harm. So if any heavenly light were to shine upon me, or if I were to have a paranormal experience, I promise not to be skeptical and to keep an open mind.

Five Lesser Known Things About Me...

I have been tagged by Amrit to write about five lesser known things about me. For a while I wondered whether I should disclose my neurosis to the world, but then I figured very few of my friends read my blog, my family is unaware that I write, so it doesn't matter.

1. I have a slight, very very very slight strain of OCD. It's not like "I have to wash my hands 10 times a day or I'll die" kinds. But sometimes I keep on checking and double-checking and triple checking things that I have already done; like checking if I have closed the door, paid the bills, check the code/docs that I have prepared in office for errors, wondering about the above things while I am driving to home/office. I have never told this to anyone and even made fun of a friend who thinks she has OCD, mainly because I have a feeling that it started because I read up on OCD. And secondly because I know in my case it's not that much of a problem.

2. I show my mean side only to the people who are closest to me. Very few people know about this, because there are only few people that I am close to. I don't think it stems from wanting people to like me, coz I never really wanted to be Ms. Popular. But that has become second nature to me now, I am polite to strangers/colleagues/casual friends; polite and impersonal, not letting anyone get too close to me.

3. I used to think I was a cleanoholic. I liked things spic and span and in their proper places. I didn't even like untidy people with shaggy hair, baggy clothes. But when I had to do the cleaning myself, I let go. It's just too much hard work! Now, I have compromised by keeping one side of my bed cluttered and the other side all neat and proper; by clearing up the clutter from my desktop and mailboxes. I go on cleaning sprees every weekend and organize everything and forget about it for the next couple of days.

4. I hate asking people for help or telling anyone my problems. There were times when my 2-wheeler broke down/ran out of petrol, but I would drag it alone, not asking for help and giving dirty looks to those few who did stop to offer help. I don't think I can pull off the damsel in distress look. I have listened to the problems of many of my friends (sometimes sympathetically, sometimes faking it), but I rarely talk about my problems with others.

5. I like to watch little kids walking, as they hold someone else's hand and their little feet try to keep up. It always brings a smile to my face. I don't go "Oh how cute" and rush to hold kids. I prefer to watch them from afar and smile at their antics.

I am not going to tag anyone, but if you are reading this post and feel like doing this tag, do let me know. And when you are commenting on this write, do write at least one lesser known thing about yourself.