Rain Rain Go Away...

And come back when I am at home or in office.

As a kid, monsoon was soo much fun. You had a legitimate excuse to bunk school/college if it was raining too heavily. I remember going up to our terrace and getting completely soaked. Even cycling from school to our home was fun (albeit a bit tiring). And even though I had my raincoat, I almost never wore it. One reason for this maybe because the full length raincoats make you look so dorky. The closest I have come to wearing an evening gown was the raincoat. Waddling in the muddy water is certainly not my idea of ramp-walk. Can there be anyone who has not made paper boats and floated them in the puddles. Childhood is such a great excuse to do all the things that adults consider stupid and immaturish. Even floods didn't dampen anyone's spirits; except for the poor ones who were affected by it.For the rest of us, it meant staying at home, enjoying with friends and family. And venturing out towards the river to see it in full spate.

Now I prefer to watch rains from our balcony. There's something about rains that brings on a feeling of nostalgia. It's an excellent atmosphere for day-dreaming. You know how they say that one should always save for a rainy day. I know it is in context with money, but I am saving my leaves.So that I can safely skip office if I am feeling too lazy to venture out. One thing that I am missing sorely this time is the smell of wet earth. Instead whenever I come out of my home, my nostrils are greeted with a slight stench. And some pesky kids waiting in line to splash the dirty,muddy water on the next hapless rider who comes their way. I dread putting my foot down in the puddle so much that I feel like I am in a "Slow Bike" contest. I don't feel like writing about long drives in the rain, corn on the cob etc etc. Once the monsoon season starts, you can find these articles in all the newspapers anyway.

It is said that in future most wars will be fought over water. I can already see a sort of mini-war raging on between humans and nature. The tsunami in 2004, China's quake lake make Mother Nature seem so scary. Some Indian states are engaged in disputes over water; Cauvery issue being one of them. A fight is on between the general public against the administration. We all like blaming the administration when things go wrong, but no one gives it a second thought before building illegal constructions which block the flow of water or dumping garbage till the drains choke up. But hey, that's not our problem is it? By the time things take a turn for the worse, we will be too old or probably dead. So why bother? Let the future generations worry about saving the earth.

The Joys Of Pessimism

Joy and Pessimism?? Aren't these two supposed to be mutually exclusive?

I have been a life-long pessimist. If I accomplish something, I always feel that it's not enough. That I could have done better. And God forbid if I make any mistake, I am the first to run myself down (Question:Is this pessimism or trying to be perfect all the time? Not sure).

There is some term in psychology called 'Defensive Pessimism'.Actually, I had no idea about it. But when I read what it means, I felt like that's what I do all the time. After every exam/interview, my mom used to ask me how it went. Every time I used to say ok-ok types. Coz I myself have never felt overly confident about my abilities. I always think that whatever I know, it's very basic. Every person must know at least this much. My poor ma spent all my school and college years thinking that I would surely fail in the exams. So whenever the results were out, and I managed to do well, she used to be so happy. Even I would be happy coz I always had this feeling that I would fail. Which is exaggerating things a bit too far, coz I was never a bad student. It’s hard to be pessimistic when you know you are good.

Being pessimistic has some advantages too. Since I have several hundred scenarios of what could go wrong, it makes me extra cautious. And I try to think of solutions to the problems. Any good thing that happens to me is so surprisingly wonderful. The feeling of happiness is heightened since it was completely unexpected. And if anything bad happens, it feels anticlimactic.

But I would gladly change this thing about myself. It's no fun thinking constantly about the worst thing that could happen to me. I don't like acting like the Angel of Death and Doom. And sometimes when bad things are not happening as fast I like, I deliberately set out to wreck things. I know it's very dumb of me, but the relief that I feel after the worst comes true is kind of therapeutic. I am trying to reach some sort of middle ground. But I don’t know whether I will live to see that day...... [Ahhh, spoken like a true pessimist :-)]

Quit

Cigarette smoking is injurious to health!
Smoking kills!
Don't drink and drive!

Are the above messages writing in some gibberish language? I can understand them perfectly well. And I suppose one doesn't need to have a high IQ to understand it. I am not going to act like Ramadoss and constantly hound Shahrukh about his smoking. If Shahrukh wants to smoke his way to death, more power to him. I don't really care about thousands of people suffering from cancer or cirrhosis. But when I see some of my near and dear ones smoking/drinking, it bothers me a little.

I really can't understand some of the arguments that people put forward.
1) It relieves stress

Really??? For how long, till the time of the hangover or the next smoking session? And is it worth all the trouble that comes later on? Isn’t that going to be more stressful?

2) I do it coz all my friends do it. It's cool.

This is probably the stupidest excuse. I thought peer pressure was supposed to end after teenage years. I would rather drink a mocktail, at least it tastes good. I used to take a bottle of bournvita to office and drink it. Who cares if people make fun! Seeing people swaying after drinking too much, stinking like hell is definitely not cool. Why is alcohol needed to have a good time? Isn't the company of friends and family enough for that?

3) It gives me a kick

Well if kick is what you want, I would be most happy to give you a kick in the rear. It's been a reaaaaaaallllllllly long time since I have hit anyone and I am just itching to do so.

We have some mini bottles of liquor at home which my dad got on his travels abroad. And long time back, I opened a bottle of vodka with every intention of drinking it. Not because I wanted to be cool or anything. But I really wanted to know what the whole fuss about alcohol is. One whiff from the bottle was enough to put me off. If the smell is this bad, I can just imagine how bad the taste would be. Some time later, I gathered up enough courage and had some sips of dessert wine. It tasted like Glycodin.No, I think Glycodin tastes better than wine.

Smoking, that I am never gonna try. I don't really need to experiment with that to know if it's good or bad. Thanks to the smokers around me, I must have already inhaled significant amount of smoke. People, if you want to smoke, please go to some secluded place. And when you come back don't just chew on some gum or mints. But also spray some deodorant on your clothes. Coz u stink so bad!!

I thought of putting up some pictures of people with cancer caused due to smoking and suffering alcoholics. But I know, it's not going to bother the people who do smoke/drink. It's just going to upset me every time I visit this page.

The Road Less Traveled

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence
Two roads diverged in a wood
And I took the one less traveled by
And that has made all the difference
                                       Robert Frost

This is one of the few poems which I actually remember and like. It reminds me of the way my life has turned out to be. It's not always the off-beat choices which have had an impact. More often than not, when I had no clue what I wanted and let others decide for myself, those decisions turned out to be blunders and I had no one to blame but myself.

It would have been the best, if I could say that all the choices I made turned out great. The problem is I know where I am going wrong, still I let things happen coz it's boring to be a good girl always. I know when I am hurting the ones I love, when I am hurting myself..But when I am caught up in the moment I never really stop to think. It would have been so convenient if I made the same mistake always. Because then at least I will have the benefit of past experience.

It's great to have the freedom to take all my decisions. But then there is no one else to blame if things go wrong. And sometimes, I feel the need to dump this responsibility on someone else and not have to carry the burden all alone.

P.S. Hmmm, this post seems sooooooooo morose. Like I am on the verge of suicide/run away or something. No way, I love myself too much.Ohhhh, now I know why I sound like such a drag. Its these damn Banking documents that I am being forced to read. A half hour about nostro accounts, zero balancing,treasury,trade finance and blah blah blah is enough to give me nightmares for a week!!!

I Am 16, Going On ...

16...that I am definitely not anymore. In fact, almost a decade has passed since then. And anyways, I feel that it is just a hyped-up number.Wonder why other birthdays don't get this kind of attention. No wait, there's 13 when The Wonder Years begin (also known as The Torturous Years for the parents). 18, the legal adult age or for some an age when they can officially bring out the whisky bottles from their hidey-holes. And for guys at 21; if they haven't managed to get a girlfriend after school or college, they can get a girlfriend for life through their parents.

That's it. After that, every birthday becomes a reminder that you are nearing the dreaded age, the thirties!! As far as I am concerned, I have never bothered to hide my age. Last year, I couldn't remember my age at times, and thought that I had already turned 25. So this year, when I finally did cross 25, it was no big deal. Except for that one moment, where I freaked out, and tried to think of all that I have accomplished (the list was too small) , mentally compiled a list of my bloopers (sadly it was too long) and checked my head to reassure myself that I don't need to color my hair yet (Yeaaaahh!!.....touchwood). But later, better sense prevailed, and I reminded myself that I have so much to look forward to. Things are just getting started.

But there were some subtle and some not so subtle ways where other people reminded me of my age. The jokes about looking old were the most mundane. But this one took the cake, my voice sounded old! Now, I am pretty sure that I have not started rasping or wheezing. I didn't bother telling that person, that the male voice breaks after puberty. Does it mean that we should call 16 year olds uncles just because their voice has started sounding like their dad?? And then there are those friends who take great pride in having studied in the same class with me in school or college in spite of being born a year later. Like the timing of their conception and birth is some kind of achievement!!

I have a habit of tuning out comments (be it good or bad), it turns out to be a boon in situations like these. But it is quite hard not to snigger. Have I passed any such comment? Sure I have (I never said I was a saint). But not out of malice or with the intention of one-upping anyone. I wonder how I would feel about this five years from now. Would I still be able to brush it off as lightly as I do today? For now, I am just going to have my cake and eat it too!!